Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in jaime's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
8:08 pm	Seth is a great kisser. To me, he's really, really hot. Tall, skinny, beautiful dark wavy hair, and just compelling to stare at, kind of like an Orlando Bloom Nick Jonas hybrid. He's Puerto Rican and Italian, a strange but beautiful mix. Today we went to Parkside for Lunch and EFR for dinner. I had a fish fillet and then a cheese omelet, he first had eggs and toast and then un ranch burger. All was sampled and all was delicious. It was obscenely fun to go out to eat twice in a day. I know Dan doesn't read this but all of this shit will break his heart. As Nichole pointed out, I can't work my reactions out of pity. Instead I need to act independently, rather than react, and decide what I want, and then act with dignity in pursuing it. I have been very honest with Seth about the situation. He agrees that it's not smart to get involved with something like this, but he has voiced his desire to see me again. I like spending time with Seth. It's easy and low key. We get along very easily. I would like to forgive Daniel and am not casually throwing away what we have. I am not trying to downplay it either. I know what we have is unique and in some ways it is so, so good. However I feel like it is a strong uphill battle, and while I feel Dan is thoroughly committed to trying, that the effort may not get us anywhere to fixing the trust and my commitment. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 8th, 2009
6:06 pm	I set up a two week break for daniel and I. Today I undermined my goal and told him we could either be in an open relationship or be friends. He had a sexual indiscretion, not a literally committed one, and I don't really feel right diving back in to the monogamous relationship we had. Additionally the break was crushing Dan. So I told him he could choose and he has made no decision yet. I still feel kinda sick when I think about the whole thing, but there is no rush, and time will tell on this one. He needs some insight and he needs to accept himself and he needs to become empowered. In turn hopefully I will trust. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
11:51 am	She says she wants to live in a movie I say I want someone else to stand behind me And write it all down 'cause I can't be bothered doing it myself. And I don't want the responsibility of proving its importance. BNL (1 Comment |Comment on this)
2:41 am	"I know you're confused right now" - Jaime "What are you?" - Dan "I'm confused" - Jaime (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
12:52 am	Jesse's recently ex girlfriend apparently had photos of herself with her whole fist up her ass on her computer and her phone. Someone else took the photos as you could see both her.. arms in the photo. Multiple people at a party in Brockport confirmed this. I was shocked. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
7:03 pm	I had a dream I took an exit off 490 in the city and the road which was elevated above ground literally suddenly stopped, and I went ripping off the exit at 50 miles per hour dropping about 20 feet and crashing my car. I used to have recurrent pregnancy and car crashing nightmares, it's been awhile since I've dreamed, but interestingly enough, the recurring pregnancy dreams have been kept at bay since I got my IUD Later on in that same dream, Jesse (Dan's friend) was dating my friend Shannon Nolan from my math classes at Fisher, and then he broke up with her stating to me that, "She is a forever girl. I don't want to date a forever girl anymore. I want a girl that can be a forever girl, but is a right now girl instead." And that then made me feel sick about Jesse and about Dan. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 15th, 2009
5:45 pm	For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Speaking English is apparently what kills you. (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 14th, 2009
12:44 am	On hating the rich: Cindy McCain, who not only was proud of her country before her husband won the Republican primaries but dressed well without freakishly imitating famous first ladies in history, was huffily accused of wearing a $300,000 outfit at the Republican National Convention. Vanity Fair put its fashion department on the job, and estimating her diamond earrings at $280,000, came up with the $300,000 figure. The magazines then helpfully listed what $300,000 would mean “to Americans who don’t have the luxury of inheriting a gargantuan beer fortune.” Say, does anyone remember Vanity Fair’s estimate of Teresa Heinz Kerry’s outfits? No, neither do I. The claim that Cindy McCain’s “outfit” cost $300,000 ignited an eruption of sanctimony throughout the fourth estate. On the Los Angeles Times blog, Monica Corcoran fumed “does she really need four strands of pearls?” Right on schedule, she also compared Mrs. McCain to Marie Antionette. In short order, outraged letters to the editor were proclaiming that Cindy McCain’s dress alone had cost $300,000: “If I, like Cindy McCain, could afford an outfit that cost over $300,000 to wear only one night, maybe I would also be out of touch.” I’m pretty sure Cindy McCain did not throw $280,000 diamonds in the garbage after a night’s wear (233-4). True, McCain has a rich wife- who runs an enormous charitable foundation- but John Kerry also had a rich wife, and as Peter Schweizer points out in his book Makers and Takers, in 1995 he gave not one cent to charity. “That same year,” Schweizer writes, “he spent $500,000 to buy a half-stake in a seventeenth-century Dutch seascape painting by Adam Willaerts.” To be fair, 1995 was an off year for Kerry’s charitable giving. The year before, he gave $3,039 to charity, and the year before that, a whopping $175. In 1998, Al Gore gave $353 to charity- one-tenth as much as the national average for charitable giving by people in Gore’s income bracket of $100,000-$200,000. Gore was at the top end of that category, making $197,729 that year. When Senator Ted Kennedy released his tax returns to run for president in the 1970s, it showed that Kennedy gave barely 1 percent of his income to charity. In 1991, 1992, and 1993, George W. Bush had incomes of $179,591, $212,313, and $610,772. His charitable contributions those years were $28,236, $31,914, and $31,292. During his presidency, Bush gave away more than 10 percent of his income each year. For purposes of comparison, in 2005, Barack Obama made $1.7 million- more than twice President Bush’s 2005 income of $735,180- but they both gave about the same money to charity. That same year, Vice President Cheney gave 77 percent of his income to charity. The following year, in 2006, Bush gave more to charity than Obama on an income one-third smaller than Obama’s. Maybe when Obama talks about “change” he’s referring to his chariatable contributions (p. 236-7). - Crazy, but interesting, Coulter (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 13th, 2009
5:21 pm	Today there are more men who are sexually aroused by women in stiletto heels crushing live frogs to death while talking erotically to the frog than there are members of the Ku Klux Klan. And that's in the entire nation- in New York City the frog fetishists probably outnumber the clan by 500 to 1. Philosophy professor Richard C. Richards of California State Polytechhnic University in Pomona told the New York Times that there are about a thousand "crush fetishists" in the country, adding, "I think it's wrong to demonize these things." from Ann Coulter, who is obviously crazy, but brings the LOLz (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 8th, 2009
4:07 pm	i threw out a pair of pants that were molding in my hatchback. i drove to the tailor's finally and took them out of the "trunk" and saw that my black pants had turned green. gross.. wtf.. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 30th, 2009
2:44 pm	I have come a ridiculously long way in the last 3 years... found it in my e-mail by coincidence. The next three years will be transformative, too. "i just had sex with zach shafer. it wasnt good. it was a year of trying to nail him my senior year for that. a year ago i was a different creature. all of a sudden, he flips out, and is like, i need to be home, my dads gonna flip out, and he disappeared. a year ago i was so enamored with him. hes fat. disgusts me as well. he had to have been coked up on something. he was supposed to call me beautiful, or something. he didnt." "a year ago i thought he was the most amazing creature in the universe. he has too much money and time. hes a waste. for some reason, i seem to think i can still spread my legs like a 16 year old whore. im just not that mentality anymore" "only i dont feel comfortable with monogamy either, ben told me he loved me, and since i have been flipping out in so many directions, tonights stupid episode with zach shaffer being one of them" "i feel immoral, and dirty, and i am the one who persisted, and zach was the one who resisted. i get a strangely negative feeling when i have sex outside of monogamous relationships, yet i have always pursued the worst feeling in the world" "im not a normal creature. how did all of this fuckedupedness happen over monogamy? is this even real? do people look at me and think, thats the girl with the problem with monogamy? they have to see a normal creature" "i dont know what im doing with my life, i have no control over any situation. it doesnt seem to matter. the areas that matter to me- relationships, my weight, school, all three things that could use a little discipline, arent getting any" "zach put my address in his little acura mapquest thing and he spelled my name wrong. JAMIE blinking on the screen. i didnt bother to correct him. i knew what i was doing. maybe i would hope he wouldn't blow me off as his usual pattern of socializing" "what is god trying to communicate to me? should i be trying to communicate to him? dear god, i wish i werent such a whore, dear god, please help me find meaningful sex." (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 19th, 2009
3:30 am	I tried Abilify for 4 days. It did what it promised. I slept a lot less, ate less, and was generally more energetic. I was less insecure, but more tense and significantly more pessimistic. I was going to try and stick it out for two weeks, but I didn't need the other 8 days to tell me what was up with it, as I felt unpleasant and less happy. So I stopped it. Stopping it resulted in weeping for an hour, full on sorrow-filled. Thank god it came on about an hour after I got done meeting with my boss. Up until then I had been feeling better all day because I hadn't taken it and I felt more like myself again. Then I instantly flipped a cry switch out of nowhere in the Fisher library. Dan came over late last night after his movie and held me to sleep. I was so glad he did. These drugs alter a person's state of consciousness in ways that are so unknown. That I came off it like a bad high suggests something. Abilify is new to the market, I think about two years in, and typically it takes ten to fifteen years before long-term problems with the drug start emerging, so I am happy at least that it wasn't my dream drug and I wanted to keep taking it with hesitation about the unknown. I have become tentative to try new medications as some obviously evoke poor responses. Geodon gave me a full on 4 hour panic attack with the first pill I took. Nothing in the literature about that side effect. Ryan "had to go meet with his advisor" and sent Devin to come sit with me for the tail end of it. That was a sign of his love for me. I want to be free of medication. Dealing with myself the way I am seems to be the best measure.. the thing to strive for. This episode continued to reinforce that. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 29th, 2009
2:25 pm	sometimes i get overly theoretical and don't know if dan and i are meant to be and i wonder but damn we make good nasty (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 10th, 2009
10:46 pm	I am picking a scab. I always liked to pick scabs when I was a kid. And I have never known when to stop. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
5:02 pm	someone just used comquats to describe me. –adjective passing the bounds of what is usual or considered proper; unconventional; bizarre. perfect. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 31st, 2009
3:26 pm	But no one dies in the right place Or in the right hour And everyone dies sooner than his time And before he reaches home. Reza Baraheni (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 20th, 2009
6:06 pm	"the world is your oyster jaime, you just have to figure out what you want from it." hioe hioe! (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 5th, 2009
12:14 am	my preoccupation with beauty. if i am beautiful enough and thin enough for ryan, then 5 pounds doesnt even matter. i dont love my body any more when i weigh 125 pounds than 130 pounds, i just reap off the vainglory of other people staring at me. but why do i need the affirmation of strangers staring at me if i am content with knowing that ryan cares about me? i should not need this meaningless affirmation if i am content with my worth to him. i dont want to let these issues be because without my weight struggles i would not know how to define myself as a person. my weight has always defined me and taken up much of my time. it is one area which i always want to be discontent in some way. either i am overweight and bloated and disgusting, or average weight and hoping for more loss or wanting to eat more and not gain, or i am underweight and still not satisfied. complete ludacris. i still cant believe that i started recording my weight in the 8th grade. i wasnt even done developing yet and i was trying to control my size. i remember trying out for field hockey and trying to limit my diet to a package of skittles a day. eating them so slowly and then going home to binge. i remember the last pair of childrens pants i bought from old navy and wanting always to fit into them! i wouldnt throw them out for years after i couldnt button them! a size 16 in childrens! how did things become so distorted at such a young age? I'm going to say it a million times until I get it. What makes me beautiful is not my face. Or my waist. And it isn't what makes other people beautiful, either, while I'm at it. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 4th, 2008
4:33 pm	im so glad that when i ran into mike garbato at the hudson wegmans when he was working there, i was in a bathing suit, a long shirt/short dress thing (green), and a green head scarf, with a hello kitty bandaid, looking strung out, dazed, tan, and searching for my prescriptions. and then wandering down the goya aisle, seeing him again, and then once more for ice cream. i was at first embarrassed, and then empowered that he got to see me as one miss jaime lasda, a true ms jaime lasda, not the made up version in a pushup bra, which is also jaime lasda, but it is jaime lasda on behalf of mike garbato jaime lasda. so i am somewhat sarcastic, but ultimately sincere, when i say that i am so glad that i saw him that way. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 8th, 2006
10:06 pm	i have begun using mens shaving cream and cologne. if i must be a manless creature, if i cant smell it next to me at night as i go to bed, i will smell it on me each night as i go to bed. all of the girl shaving creams are things you can eat- strawberry mouse, chocolate raspberry, whipped butter i dont need one more thing to eat, people. other countries die of starvation while americans literally eat themselves to death. i worry about the size of the fat cells in my body and my representation of health as a direct ratio of how many minutes it takes my heartrate to fall back to resting heartbeat after exercising and tonight after i was fetus in the bathtub, i saw my body, 50 years from now, my mind might not be agile and certainly my thighs wont be 50 years from now, i will idolize the capabilities of that my body possessed in my twenties mrs geer - "your body is completely normal" me -"yes, but." and it plays over and over in my mind. my body is completely normal. i have become so terrified of deviating from the norm towards the obesity side that the only way i can feel ordinary is by being superordinary on the other side of deviance. i greedily accepted a bag of peanut m & ms she offered. delicious revelation. (2 Comments |Comment on this)